Saving the best for last…

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.” Pablo Picasso

My dad just forwarded me an email sent to him by one of his former employees.  It was a chain email, but she added the following preface:

When I worked in Boston, I had the most amazing boss.  He use to tell me to do stuff other than work, to which I always replied, “I’ll get around to it.”  One morning I came into the office and on my desk was a cork and brass coaster with xoxoxoxo on it.  I asked if he knew what it was.  He said it’s your………… “round to-it”.  It wasn’t xoxo, it was…… to it to it…….. (written in a circle it looked like xoxo)  Thank you, Barry. After 11 years, my tea still sits in this coaster.  When you read the rest of this, you’ll know why I’ve written the preface to it.  I like to think that I now “get a-round to it!”

I’ve been suffering writer’s block this afternoon, partially because I feel overwhelmed by all the things I’d like to get around to today, but when I read my dad’s email, the block evaporated.  In the chain email, it says, “We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect.” For example: I’ll go on my dream holiday when I have enough money; I’ll write my book when the kids are older; I’ll have people come to stay when we live in a bigger house; I’ll change jobs when we’ve paid off the mortgage; I’ll patch things up with my (insert family members), when they come to their senses…

The problem with these promises is that they are easily made and broken.  I’ve mentioned before the book 5 Wishes by former Stanford professor Gay Hendricks, in which he advises one to stand at the end of life and look back.  What do you want to see?  What do you wish you could say you had done?

Eat cake

My incredible sister has recently lost weight without specifically dieting.  I asked her how she did it and she said 1) yoga and 2) instead of saving the best for last (something that is deeply ingrained in both of us), she started eating what she really likes first.  That way, when she’s full, she doesn’t mind stopping. If you save the best for last, you always feel like you need to finish everything else, before you have what you really want.  When applied more widely, this is not a recipe for a happy life.  I’m no irresponsible hedonist, but I have no regrets for the things to which I’ve treated myself now and then…

Recently, a friend called to ask my advice.  Her friend was going on vacation and didn’t want to go alone, so she offered to pay my friend’s way.  My friend, we’ll call her Yolanda, really wanted to go, but felt guilty accepting the “charity” and worried about the extra money she would spend.  Yolanda, I said, Yolanda, who benefits if you turn down this gift?  Your friend, who clearly wants you to go?  You?  What’s the point of feeling guilty and indebted about a present freely offered?  Go!  The experience will mean more to you in the long run than the money you’d save.

Carpe Diem

Zachary Scott said, “As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do.” I do not regret a dime of the money I spent to go with my dear friends to Egypt; I do regret feeling I didn’t have the money to stay on with them for the last leg of the trip to Sharm el Sheikh.  In my mind, I can’t account for the money I didn’t spend, but I definitely remember the experience I didn’t have.

What do we have at the end of our lives?  Memories.  Would we prefer memories of the places we’ve been, the people with whom we’ve spent time, the things we’ve tried to do?  Or the cubicle in which we dutifully sat, day after day, and the missed opportunities.  Looking back, there have been so many times I thought I couldn’t afford to do something (or that I didn’t have time, or felt I needed to be at work, or believed there’d be a better chance down the road) and have therefore said “no” when I desperately wanted to say yes.  But, the handful of times when I splurged for myself have been among my very best experiences!  It makes me realize the “no’s” did nothing to add to my life.

So often, I put limitations on myself and my happiness… “I can’t afford,” must be one of the most frequent thoughts in my mind.  However, looking back, I’ve always been able to manage even the things I thought I couldn’t – so what does that tell me?

“There’s no time like the present,” trite but true.  And there is no time, but the present.  So, what are the things we’re “saving for later”?  What can we do right now…  Book the holiday?  Quit the job?  Start the book?  Call the friend?  Make up with the family?  Give up the cigarettes?  Take up the hobby?  Go to the museum?  Take the child out for ice-cream?  There’s time, there’s opportunity right now to (at least) start anything we really want.  “Later” is just an excuse to waste time…

At the end of my life, I don’t want my memory to replay the same day over and over.  I want new challenges, new places, and to know that I took advantage of opportunities, particularly to be with friends and family.  I don’t mind if, at the end, there are things that didn’t work out quite the way I hoped, but I don’t want that to be because I didn’t try or because I was saving the best for last.

“Seize the day, boys.  Make your lives extraordinary.” Dead Poets Society

Published in: on April 11, 2011 at 4:45 pm  Comments (9)  
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…but I get up again!

I can’t breathe through my right nostril and I feel like I’ve been punched in the face.  Moreover, I suspect I have hyper-extended both my knees.  I’m horribly embarrassed to admit this, particularly in light of my last post (Never too late…), in which I waxed enthusiastic about my return to diving and gymnastics.  Ah, poor fool.

My nose is stuffy because I’d forgotten I have some sort of chlorine allergy that makes my sinuses close tightly for the first few weeks back in a pool.  I can deal with that, but the knee thing?  That’s got me worried.  I was doing what is, for me, a basic dive – just a front flip – to prepare myself for a harder dive.  I did the first one and felt something funny in my knee when I landed. “But I’m on a low board and there’s no reason for my knees to hurt,” I thought and proceeded to do 3 more, each with increasing pain.

I finished the practice with no problem, even accomplished a major goal for myself (more on that in a bit), but when I got home, I realized something wasn’t right.  I had trouble getting from the car to the door.  As yesterday wore on, my knees became more painful and walking, less of an option.  I’m much better today, but it’s a stark reminder: this is a young person’s (or, at least, a very fit person’s) sport.  Perhaps I “dove in at the deep end” too fast.  As has often been the case with me, I tried to get where I was going too soon, without proper preparation.

The lesson, I think, is that it’s important to lay the groundwork and be willing to exert much effort to accomplish a goal.  One ought not to expect immediate success, even if it seems there for the taking.

That said, perhaps what I set out to do by returning to diving has been accomplished.

I got knocked down…

When I was competing in high school and college, one dive was my nemesis: the reverse.  To perform a reverse, one walks forward toward the end of the board, jumps and does a back dive in the direction of the board.  When I first started diving (around 13-years-old), I did a reverse flip and landed standing back on the board.  Afterwards, I had a mental block: whenever I imagined the dive, I forever saw myself hitting the board, in the manner of Greg Louganis at the ’88 Olympics.

Since what we visualize, we realize – I was sure this would eventually happen to me.  (A reminder of how important it is to control the thoughts in our minds.)

At practices, I would stand on the board forever, refusing to go, exasperating coaches and teammates, not to mention myself.  This psychological block nearly got me thrown off my high school team and  had much to do with why I didn’t finish my college career.

As I mentioned in my previous post, this had conscious and subconscious ramifications.  For fifteen years, I’ve had a recurring dream about correcting this fault.  Consciously, I’ve always felt I let myself down.  I allowed an irrational fear to dominate me and make me less than what I could have been.  I didn’t like this about myself, but fortunately, as with all character flaws, I could change it.

To feel fear is fine… to be controlled by fear is not

The first time I noticed that my attitude was different was when my childhood friend Leighanne and I took a trapeze lesson in New York.  Some of you might remember the Sex and the City episode in which Carrie tries to do a catch?  Well, I was inspired.  I was determined to do a catch; but to do so required facing my fear of heights.  To get to the trapeze, I had to climb up a small ladder about 20 feet.  I was wearing a safety harness, so I wasn’t really worried, but still, it was unsettling.  Then, I had to lean out off the small platform to grab the trapeze, while someone held the harness.  Again, I knew I was safe, but it didn’t stop me feeling frightened.

The difference was I wasn’t going to let that fear stop me from trying the catch.  My determination to achieve my goal far outweighed the fear I felt.  And caught, I was…

I was caught at the NYC Trapeze School

Despite this small achievement, diving still dominated my dreams; so I guess my subconscious wasn’t convinced of my ability to push past my fear.

And rightfully so, it has only just occurred to me how many places in my life I still feel limited.  I’m naturally a shy person and have avoided what could be fun events for fear of socializing with strangers.  I have been too embarrassed to post my writing on various public forums.  I have been unable to make sales calls for fear of being told no.  Instead of viewing the world as a friendly, helpful place, I’m constantly afraid of imposing myself where I’m not wanted… breaking some unspoken rule.  But actually, it’s probably something even more deep-seeded.

Rather than keeping perspective – remembering that my experience of the world is of my own making (so who cares if some stranger on a discussion forum doesn’t want to read my work?), I allow myself to indulge fear of the unknown, of change, of success, of rejection.

… but I get up again

So Monday night, when I stood on the board, facing down my enemy, I found my thoughts strangely wandering about – wondering if I was afraid.  Then, I decided to stop thinking and just go.  And there it was, like an old friend you haven’t seen in awhile: a bit awkward at first, but then just slips into a familiar routine.  My reverse dive.

Having looked for the demon and discovered it doesn’t even exist, perhaps, at last, I can move on.  Move on and apply the lesson to other parts of my life.

Our experience of the world really is ours for the making.  It can be warm and receptive, supportive and exciting.  Or it can be cold and lonely, frightening and hard.  It depends on how we choose to view it.  To what beliefs do we give credibility?  How do we imagine ourselves?  Fundamentally, do we have self-confidence, or do we only pretend to the world we believe we can succeed.  We will never fool ourselves.  And we have to know, as truth deep inside, what we can accomplish before we can accomplish it.

We are limited only by our understanding of ourselves and the scope of our imaginations.  In other words, we need not be limited at all.

Published in: on April 6, 2011 at 1:13 pm  Comments (8)  
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Never too late…

A few years ago, I took up ballroom dancing.  One of the school’s standout performers was a spritely and flexible 80-year-old woman named Fioretta.  Nothing – not age, not injury, not gravity – would stop her from her dream of competing as a dancer.  (For pictures of this miniature maven in action, check out the Fred Astaire Dance Studio of Hamden website and look at photos 1020081320 and Fioretta Mystic 14 Nov 2009 – top and bottom left of gallery).

Fioretta is an inspiration, but she isn’t alone in believing age is irrelevant when pursuing a dream, taking on a challenge, or even starting a new life.

Rodney Dangerfield was a late bloomer – his career didn’t take off until he was 42.  Liz Smith, a famous English sit com actress, caught her first break at 50.  Grandma Moses started painting in her 70s.  Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote the Little House series in her 60s and Kenneth Grahame wrote The Wind in the Willows after he retired from his career at the Bank of England.  Richard Adams’ first novel, the best-selling Watership Down, was published when he was in his 50s.

Irene Wells Pennington turned her hand to business for the first time in her 90s and corrected financial irregularities that threatened to ruin her husband’s $600 million oil fortune.  Colonel Sanders was in the 60s when he started his chicken franchise.

In her 2002 one-woman show, Elaine Stritch described meeting the love of her life as she neared the age of 50 (of course, she blames her earlier lack of success on her taste in men, which included Rock Hudson).  Though the relationship lasted only 10 years because her husband succumbed to cancer, Ms. Stritch makes clear it was worth every minute of the wait to meet him.  She might not yet have learned how to love, had she met him any sooner.

Subconscious prodding

I quit the Cornell University diving team to study abroad in Ireland my junior year.  Well, that was the primary reason I quit.  Secondarily, I had a love/hate relationship with the sport.  I had physical talent, but mental weakness.  I allowed fear to control me, to limit me, and frankly to make me the team pita (pain in the…).

Ever since, I have had recurring dreams in which I beg my old coach to let me back on the team.  Sometimes, I’m back in college.  Sometimes, I’m much older.  Always, I’m passionate about proving to myself and my coach that I’m a changed person.  Inevitably, I get on the board, only to fall off, unable to dive in my sleep.  Invariably, I wake up feeling frustrated and motivated and disappointed with my past.

For years, I’ve been trying to apply the lessons of these dreams to the rest of my life.  Live without fear… no more regrets.  Still, the genesis of the dreams remains unresolved.  Until recently, it never occurred to me that whatever I have to work out would require an actual diving workout.  But, after weeks of taking my son to a gymnastics school for toddler time, I realized how much I missed by childhood passions.  On a whim, I looked up adult gymnastics and found both a gym class and a diving program.  Suddenly, I felt like I had to give it try.

Too old?

I’m not going to lie and say I’m as limber and strong as I was when I was 12; I feel every pound I’ve put on since.  But, it’s a laugh to get back on the floor and see what I can do.  It may not be much (I’m trying hard not to hurt myself!), but it’s more than I thought.  I was making fun of myself, in a self-deprecating way, for being old and broken, but the coach told me that there are 70-yr-olds competing at the veterans meets.  He wasn’t terribly impressed by the 35 circles I’ve got round my trunk.

And when I started diving, I found it wasn’t too hard to reignite the body memory.  Moreover, some of the old demons seem to be gone.  I still feel fear, but I find it does not stop me.  I concede to myself “I’m scared” and then go anyway.  Maybe it’s because now I’ve got nothing to prove to anyone but myself.  Maybe it’s the wisdom that comes from experience (or dare I say, age?).

Always time…

When I was little, my mother always assured me I could be anything I wanted to be.  I remember one day in my late twenties allowing myself some time to mourn all the careers that I actually couldn’t have: broadway star, Olympian, astronaut, etc.  But I’m starting to rethink my list.

Maybe we are reincarnated and have lots of lives.  Or maybe this is our one shot.  Regardless, we’ve got this one now, so best make the most of it.  Whether its climbing a mountain or learning to knit or taking a language lesson or skydiving or changing careers or mentoring a child or directing a movie or writing a book or taking a photograph, what’s to stop you?

Sure, it’s easy to come up with all kinds of reasons why something can’t or won’t work, but the truth is we are the only ones standing in our way. As Richard Bach put it in his enlightening book, Illusions, “argue for your limitations and they are yours.” When we get out of our way, and open up to the possibility that we can become anything we can imagine, it’s amazing the opportunities that present themselves.

The truth is that you’re never too old, too poor, too responsible, too tied down, too busy, too … too… too… to explore a passion and realize a dream (literal or figurative).

I honestly have no idea if my subconscious really wanted me to dive again, but you know what?  It’s fun.  It makes me feel good about myself.  When I was a young athlete, I always had my sights set on some great goal (like the Olympics) and I was always disappointed in what I was able to accomplish.  Maybe I’m supposed to learn that it’s okay just to have fun… to enjoy something for its own sake…

That is an achievement in itself.

Published in: on April 4, 2011 at 4:00 pm  Comments (5)  
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What do I want to be when I grow up?

When I was little, it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t know what to do with my life.  When I was in kindergarten, I wrote in my “autobiography” that I would be a lawyer (and then drew a picture of a judge).  I also thought of becoming a primatologist in Africa or an international lawyer protecting endangered species (these were all career choices made by my pre-10-yr-old self).

In my college essays, I told admissions officers that I would personally help make the United Nations into an effective inter-governmental body (refer back to previous post on “ego”).  I entered Cornell as an international relations major, but soon was forced to accept my complete inability to speak foreign languages.  Switching to government and history, I planned to go work on The Hill in Washington DC.  The summer after sophomore year, I interned for the Last Lion (Senator Edward Kennedy) and the writer James Fallows, then, the following fall, for Micheal Martin (currently leader of the Irish political party, Fianna Fail).  By the end of senior year, I was sure I wanted to write about politics.

After I graduated, I briefly worked at US News and World Report, but life intervened, and I left the job prematurely.   I next tried education (too bureaucratic), campaigning (loved it, but hard to make a living), Wall Street sales (I couldn’t sell water in the desert), corporate communications (too constraining) and novel writing (loved it, but again, hard to make a living).

So, here I am… I’m 35.  And I STILL don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

Are you your job?

Many people define themselves by their profession: “I’m a _____” (fill in lawyer, doctor, engineer, programmer, artist, writer, analyst, manager, salesman, etc., etc.).  I don’t know what to say about myself.  Am I a writer?  Yes, it’s what I do… but, it isn’t, really, “my job.”

There is more to life than our job, but it usually says a lot about who we are.  The lucky among us are passionate about what they do.  They never “have” to go to “work.”  They choose to do what they love.  This is ideal.  But for others, their job is just a way to pay the bills.  Nothing wrong with that… unless you want something more.

My sister once sent me a quote by the philosopher Howard Thurman, who said, ““Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”  The challenge, though, can be figuring out what makes us come alive!

What happens when you find your passion, but it doesn’t find you?

As I wrote the other day, among my favorite quotes is this, from Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist:

Before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. That’s the point at which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.’

I’ve felt this way about my book.  Is it my dream?  Will it ever be realized?  Is the fact that I haven’t yet had it published a test, or is it an indication that I ought to be doing something else with my life.  In truth, I don’t know.  Except, there’s that quiet voice deep in my being that says I should still believe in it.  There’s nothing to do but keep trying…

So what do you do when you feel unfulfilled in some aspect of your life?

1) Ask questions.  Gay Hendricks, a former professor at Stanford and the author of two books I really liked, 5 Wishes and The Great Leap, suggests thinking about the end of our lives and asking ourselves what we would wish we could say about how we lived and what we’d done.  It’s a helpful way to hone in one what’s really important and interesting to us.

2) Accept the present.  Spiritual leaders often say that one way to be peaceful and content is to accept life the way it is in any given moment.  In whatever one does, there are lessons to be learned… even if a situation is stressful or boring or disappointing.   The key is to accept whatever comes our way.  Learn from the past, plan for the future, but live in the moment.

3) “Don’t give up.  Don’t ever give up.”  Jim Valvano, the courageous basketball coach of North Carolina State University said these inspiring words before he succumbed to cancer.  He also said, “be a dreamer.”  To fulfil our own potential, we have to dream and dream big.  Once we’ve defined what we want, we can’t give up.  That’s the only way one can ever truly fail.

Long Days Journey Into Night

There are always going to be good days and bad.  There are always going to be times that try our mettle.  But if we know where we want to go and what we want to accomplish (whether it’s in a career, a hobby or with our family), then it’s easier to navigate those challenging moments.

I definitely do not have the answers yet.  I’m searching for them.  If anyone out there thoughts on “coming alive,” please leave comments or send me a message!

Published in: on April 1, 2011 at 4:42 pm  Comments (6)  
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…ergo, Ego.

It is only in the past year or so that I realize to what extent the human ego can interfere with one’s life.  The ego can confuse and contort… it can lead one astray.  It can keep one’s true desires just out of reach.

What is the ego?  Depends on who you ask.  I asked Wikipedia and the answers ranged from “I,” meaning oneself, to “self” to “one of the three parts of the psychic apparatus defined in Sigmund Freud’s structural model of the psyche.”  This last we’ll be leaving aside.

My personal understanding is that it is the part of our internal dialogue concerned with how we relate to the outer world.  The ego worries about what others think of our status, wealth, appearance, etc.

Interestingly, the ego can mimic truly admirable qualities.  For its own selfish reasons, it can make us do selfless, wonderful and brave things.  Wanting to impress others, the ego can drive us to perform better, donate more, take on a great risk or help someone else.  But the ego is like the hawk moth caterpillar mimicking a snake – it may look the same and act the same, but it is a very different beast.

How can you tell the difference?  The ego doesn’t bother doing anything anonymously.   When we are driven by our egos, the reward is not in a job well done, or an experience we can appreciate, but in the rapturous response we receive from others.  The praise or the respect we are given.

This is not to say that we shouldn’t enjoy praise or respect from others – of course, everyone does!  It’s perfectly natural to enjoy sharing our accomplishments and experiences.  That’s a huge part of life (and where would Facebook be without it?).  The distinguishing factor, I believe, is in the motivation for our actions.

One of my battles with ego

I have only recently discovered my own egoic issues as they relate to the novel I’ve written.  There was a time in my life when I wanted desperately to publish it in order to define myself… to show people I am clever and successful.  To be fair to myself, that’s not why I wrote the book.  I never said to myself, “I want to be seen as an author so I think I’ll write a book.”  But once it was done, I think my ego took over a bit.  I wanted to be published because I wanted to be able to say I was published.

My relationship with my book has been battered and bruised over the past ten years.  I have had hopes high and hopes dashed.  I’ve been brought to the brink of success, only to have the rug pulled out from under me.  I’ve been ignored so often I’ve felt like a ghost roaming the world, unseen and unheard.  I’ve been told “no” in every way possible, from polite and encouraging to brusque and dismissive.

But still, I love my book.

In the last month or two, I’ve come to realize that last sentence is true.  I now know that my understanding of myself is not affected by the publication of that manuscript.  It will not determine whether I am a success or failure.  Whatever success is attached to that book was achieved on the day I wrote, “The End.”

I believe in my book and believe, one day, it will be published.  But my happiness is no longer dependent on it.  I feel more at peace with myself than I have since I first started writing it.

Greatness and the ego

Enlightenment must include a conquering of the ego.  Jesus, Buddha, Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, Mother Theresa – these world-changing leaders led by example.  They lived their lives in accordance with the truth in their hearts, not with expectation of being watched.  Their words and actions were kind, inspiring, honest and humble.  They sought not fame or fortune, but a better world.

I’m always skeptical when someone tells me they have all the answers or imply that they are enlightened.  Those who truly are, don’t need to say it.  The great just are.  They show their worth… they don’t need outside validation.

The most enlightened among us seem to care little for wealth and fame.  And the truly great among us (the most talented athletes, artists, business leaders, entrepreneurs, philanthropists, scientists, etc) might have creature comforts as a by-product of their talent, but they are not driven by them.  They are driven by their purpose and their talent, not their ego.

I suspect that wanting to achieve something in order to become rich and famous (or some other ego-driven goal) will almost always end in failure.  One must be motivated by creativity, passion and determination to achieve the thing itself.

Ego in our lives

Ego can make us stay in a well-paying job long after our interest in that job has waned.  It can make us take on debt to have a nicer house or better car.  It can make us fear the unknown… fear failure.  It can make us think we have already arrived just because we have certain things ticked off a list, even if we still find ourselves feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled.  Ego, in short, can keep us from becoming who we are meant to be.

Happiness depends, I think, on identifying the areas of our life that are influenced by ego (our jobs, our homes, etc.) and asking ourselves honestly what it is we truly want from life.

When we can devote ourselves to something in life for which we feel passion (our family, a job, a hobby, anything at all), without regard for how it is viewed by anyone else and without fear of how we will be judged, we can find that which is great in each of us.

The more we live in accordance with our greatness, the happier we can be… the happier we are, the better world we’ll create.

Published in: on March 31, 2011 at 4:41 pm  Comments (4)  
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When making up stories comes to no good…

I will admit it, though I’m not proud.  I will admit it because I don’t think I’m alone in this… I will admit it because admitting you have a problem is the first step…

I make up stories about people in my head.  I don’t mean the fun kind when you’re sitting around a cafe and start imagining the lives of the other patrons (“oh, that one’s a spy… and that one’s on a first date”).  I mean the kind where you think you know what your partner, sibling or friend is thinking and then spend time having an imaginary conversation about it… an imaginary conversation, which can lead to real emotions.

Ever so often, I have spun myself into a tizzy because I think I know what’s going on in someone else’s head, and I don’t like it.  I am especially guilty of this with my poor, ever-tolerant husband.  We have an awkward conversation.  I think he is upset with me because I have left him to take care of our toddler for a few hours.  I start feeling self-righteous because heck, I watch him all week and I deserve a few hours off and I need a little alone time and why should I have to feel bad about needing a break and … and… and… you get where I’m going.  Pretty soon, I am angry, resentful, hurt, and guilty about the situation and I’m ready to go to war.  Just then, poor, unassuming husband pops his head into the room and says, “Hey!  Conall and I are having such a laugh!  I love our boy.  You doing okay?”  Thankfully, he hasn’t noticed the defiant, defensive, stony, blizzard of an expression I had on my face, which is quickly melting away.  Suddenly, all I feel is foolish.

How much time have I wasted over this non-existent fight?  How much time have I spent feeling bad for no reason at all?  And how many fights have I caused because of what I was sure he was thinking, or worse, of what I was projecting on to him?

And it isn’t limited to the husband.  I have walked about carrying on arguments with everyone from my senator to my cable service provider.  You know who benefited?  No one.  It’s not like these head-fights prepare me for the real thing… more often than not, the real thing never happens.  Or never happens the way I have planned it out.  And so often, I am angry over something without a full understanding of the situation.  Then, when my mental-fights spill over into reality, I unwittingly poor gas on a fire I didn’t know existed.

And that’s the thing, isn’t it?  We can’t really know what’s going on in someone else’s head.  Even when we are sure we are completely in the right, there’s always another side to the story – or at least, more information that could mitigate our reactions.  There’s often so much more to another person’s perspective than to what we are privy… our suppositions are at best inaccurate, at worst, completely unfair.

So what do you do when these thoughts are spilling over and tumbling about and the steam is starting to come out of your ears?  How do you stop that argument from playing like a skipping record?  In the last year or so, I’ve learned a few tricks that help, though I think it takes a lot of practice to get good at this.

1) Think a helpful mantra. When you catch your brain spinning out of control on any subject, whether it’s an argument or not, pick a word or a phrase you find calming to gain control of your thoughts.  At night, I tend to think to myself, “sleep… sleep… sleep…” over and over.  It works wonders for my occasional busy-brain-induced insomnia.  During the day, I revert back to calming phrase – something like “I’m in control of my world.”

2) Remember that you don’t know the whole story. Maybe your boss had a fight with his partner on the way to work and takes it out on you.  Maybe your friend got bad news and won’t return your calls.  Acting on whatever anger, frustration or resentment you feel could just ignite a tinder-box and have  far-reaching repercussions.  If you just take a deep breath and let the moment pass, you could avoid an argument all together.

3) Refocus yourself in the present moment, in your own, immediate world. This is especially helpful when you are angry with someone who isn’t immediately around you.  If you can physically separate yourself from the source of your frustration, you can pretend, just long enough to calm down, that the person and their problems don’t exist for you.  Remind yourself that you are okay.  That you can get through any moment.  Distract yourself.  Change your environment.  Focus on what you can see directly around you… that is what’s real in your world for that time.

4) Other people’s problems only become yours if you let them. If someone wants to be mad at you, that’s their issue.  You can choose not to involve yourself.  Let them stew in their poison.  You don’t always have to clear the air with people; sometimes you can just let them deal with their own demons and keep yourself above the fray.  Other people’s stories are their own.  You are the hero of your story – make it what you want it to be.

For more good advice and inspiration, check out these wonderful podcasts (there’s usually just one quick song at the beginning).

Published in: on March 30, 2011 at 8:24 pm  Comments (2)  
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When you’re feeling like it’s never going to happen…

Some of my favorite pick-me-ups:

Paulo Coehlo’s The Alchemist

“Before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. That’s the point at which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.’”

“Every search begins with beginners luck and ends with the victor’s being severely tested.”

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”

“Courage is the quality most essential to understanding the Language of the World. “

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”

“The soul of the world is nourished by people’s happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realize one’s destiny is a person’s only obligation. All things are one.”

“In his pursuit of the dream, he was being constantly subjected to tests of his persistence and courage. So he could not be hasty, nor impatient. If he pushed forward impulsively, he would fail to see the signs and omens left by God along his path.”

Indigo Girls “Close to Fine”

I’m trying to tell you something about my life maybe give me insight between black and white and the best thing you’ve ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously  it’s only life after all.

Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable
And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I’m crawling on your shore.

Eminem “Lose Yourself”

He’s so mad, but he won’t give up that
Easy, no
He won’t have it , he knows his whole back’s to these ropes
It don’t matter, he’s dope
He knows that, but he’s broke
He’s so stagnant that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that’s when it’s
Back to the lab again yo
This whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don’t pass him

Eminem: “8 mile”

Sometimes I just feel like, quittin I still might
Why do I put up this fight, why do I still write
Sometimes it’s hard enough just dealin with real life
Sometimes I wanna jump on stage and just kill mics
And show these people what my level of skill’s like

[Chorus]
I’m a man, gotta make a new plan
Time for me to just stand up, and travel new land
Time for me to just take matters into my own hands
Once I’m over these tracks man I’ma never look back
(8 Mile Road) And I’m gone, I know right where I’m goin
Sorry momma I’m grown, I must travel alone
ain’t gon’ follow the footsteps I’m making my own
Only way that I know how to escape from this 8 Mile Road

Don’t gotta rep my step, don’t got enough pep  The pressure’s too much man, I’m just tryin to do what’s best

And I try, sit alone and I cry. Yo I won’t tell no lie, not a moment goes by…That I don’t pray to the sky, please I’m beggin you God

Please don’t let me pigeon holed in no regular job
Yo I hope you can hear me homey wherever you are

It’s different, it’s a certain significance, a certificate
of authenticity, you’d never even see
But it’s everything to me, it’s my credibility
You never seen heard smelled or met a real MC
who’s incredible upon the same pedestal as me
But yet I’m still unsigned, havin a rough time
Sit on the porch with all my friends and kick dumb rhymes
Go to work and serve MC’s in the lunchline
But when it comes crunch time, where do my punchlines go
Who must I show, to bust my flow
Where must I go, who must I know
Or am I just another crab in the bucket

My defenses are so up, but one thing I don’t want
is pity from no one, the city is no fun
There is no sun, and it’s so dark
Sometimes I feel like I’m just bein pulled apart
From each one of my limbs, by each on of my friends
It’s enough to just make me wanna jump out of my skin

I got every ingredient, all I need is the courage
Like I already got the beat, all I need is the words
Got the urge, suddenly it’s a surge
Suddenly a new burst of energy is occurred
Time to show these free world leaders the three and a third
I am no longer scared now, I’m free as a bird

And finally, the musical A New Brain:

When you wanna quit cause nothing works,
don’t give in, quitting is the specialty of jerks, don’t give in,
simply keep your focus on what lies ahead, don’t play games, don’t play dead, begin.

Those who are marking time wake up,
life is a cause that you have to take up, don’t give in.

Strange things happen more than you would guess don’t give in,
when life seems an unforgiving mess don’t give in,
Things go wrong you lose your way but don’t despair, just play fair,
and prepare to win, what once seemed wrong was now righted,
miserable people become delighted,

Don’t give in.

 

 

Published in: on March 29, 2011 at 12:39 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Patience and Perseverance

For those of us trying to achieve some personal ambition, my god, it can seem like the path to that dream is one of those horror movie hallways that just gets longer as the hero runs along it .

I’ve occasionally heard new authors make comments like, “I’m not published yet because I haven’t finished my manuscript, but as soon as it’s done, I plan to go with X agent and use Y publisher.”  I want to scoff a little, but also give them a reassuring hug – like you do to a small child who says he wants to be Emperor of the World when he grows up.  These naive writers seem to imagine that the publishing world is just sitting there waiting with baited breath for their submission.   The advance check is already filled out and signed, ready to be sent.  Maybe I was a little like that, too, when I finished the first draft of my novel.

Ten years later, I realize it’s only that simple for a couple of people – people with celebrity, connections or such genius that their work cannot be ignored.  The likelihood of it happening that way for anyone else is about the same as getting struck by lightening while a shark attacks.  And so, for the rest of us, the way to success is to persevere… even when it feels like you’re getting no where.

When asked how a writer keeps going after a rejection, the incredibly talented Marc Nobleman, author of Boys of Steel, said to me, “I just remember that the very next person I ask could say ‘yes.’  Would I ever be able to forgive myself if I knew I gave up when I could have succeeded?”  Such a positive mindset does help keep one focused on the goal, rather than the setbacks.

I also think about sports greats (Federer, Louganis, the Manning brothers, the Williams sisters, to name a few).  Would they have gotten where they are if they’d ever given up when they’d lost?

And sometimes I’ve felt like I am the sound of one hand clapping; I am a tree, alone in the middle of the forest, and I fall… did I make any sound?  When waiting for a reply to an email, I feel invisible, like a silent ghost trying to make contact with the world that cannot… or will not… hear me.  But, I know that everything can change in a moment.  Success is always possible, as long as one maintains patience, faith and perseverance.

It’s hard to keep going when it seems like you’re not getting anywhere, but you’ll never succeed if you stop.  Those of us with a dream that seems so far from being realized must remember that the road is long, but only those who stay on the path will reach their destination.

I always liked this quote from Thomas Mann’s Mario and the Magician:  “Shall we go away whenever life looks like turning in the slightest uncanny, or not quite normal, or even rather painful and mortifying? No, surely not. Rather stay and look matters in the face, brave them out; perhaps precisely in so doing lies a lesson for us to learn.”

Published in: on March 28, 2011 at 3:37 pm  Comments (1)  
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New beginnings: one’s true self

It can be frightening to start something new… even when it’s something you’ve always wanted to do.  Fear of the unknown is the one of the most difficult things we ever have to overcome.  But if we want to move forward in life, to become the person we are meant to be, we are required to make leaps of faith.

I’ve written in various other spaces, but nothing has fit, quite yet.  This is my new beginning.  I’m going to try, at last, to write honestly and openly.  And I’m offering my willing ear to anyone who also wants a new beginning, but isn’t quite sure where to start.  So, if anyone out there knows they are meant to do something, but hasn’t yet begun, or isn’t yet sure what it is they are meant to do, please email me and let’s talk it through, or comment on this page.

In Hermann Hesse’s Demian, he writes: “I wanted only to try to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self.  Why was that so very difficult?”  Maybe it doesn’t have to be so very difficult if we don’t try to do it alone…

Published in: on March 27, 2011 at 12:27 pm  Comments (3)  
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