Make the most of yourself

“Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson.

The thing I want most right now is something I cannot control.  It depends on the whims, interests and subjective opinions of people I’ve never met.  The best I can is to try to perfect my work and continue to put it out there into the world, until I achieve my goal.   The only way to fail is to give up.

It’s so hard when you can’t control the thing you want most – like, for instance, finding love.  You could go out on a 1,000 internet dates and not connect with anyone, only to meet your perfect match on a train during your daily commute.  Since we have limited ability to affect anything that involves another person’s will, we have to focus on creating our own happiness.

This is where Emerson comes in: we make the most of ourselves.  We look at the aspects of our life over which we have complete control.

Fitness

One thing we can control is our physical well-being.  We can eat better – less processed food, more fruits and veggies.  Cut down the alcohol.  And start to move a bit more.  I know, exercise… bleck.  But it doesn’t have to be a chore.

After Conall was born, I lost baby weight by carrying him for long, daily walks.  As he’s gotten older his willingness to be carried has become limited, as has my ability to lift the lump.  Without this daily exercise, I started to put on weight again, much to my frustration.  I really didn’t want to join a gym, so I started to think about activities that I used to love: gymnastics, diving and dance, for instance.  I’ve been able to find classes that I enjoy and have even started coaching – something I’ve always wanted to try.

Just being up, off the couch and away from the fridge can work wonders on our appearance.  Wii games, walks through a park away from our neighborhood, yoga, playing catch with a kid – it all adds up.  The key is to set small, manageable goals, and build on them.  Don’t start by trying to run a marathon the first day – maybe just take a quick walk around the block.   I’m often motivated to walk longer distances when I’m listening to a podcast.   And the best way to success is to find something you actually enjoy doing.  If that’s joining a local wiffle ball team, great!  If it’s listening to music your kids hate while you walk, fantastic!

Education

It’s never too late to learn something new.  Anyone with an mp3 player has access to courses at some of the world’s best universities and think tanks.

See my article on Rebel Mom about iTunes University for more.

Make time during the day for yourself, even if it’s 20 minutes getting lost in a book before bed.  Go to your local library or town hall’s website – it’s remarkable how many fascinating speakers pass through small towns.  Listen to a Ted Talk – these are inspirational, educational speeches (usually less than 20 minutes long) given by some of today’s leading figures in literature, technology and education.  If you feel like you’re in a rut from your daily routine, expose your mind to something a little different – give your brain something new to think.

Hobbies

One thing I’ve learned over the last few months is that there is nothing wrong with indulging a childhood fantasy or lifelong interest.  I thought I was much too old for gymnastics and diving, but it turns out there are a lot of people my age just starting to learn the sports for fun.  Always wanted to act?  Most communities have local theater programs.  Want to learn to knit?  Or sail?  Or dance? Or ride a horse?  Or work at a zoo?  These are just a few of the local clubs I’ve recently found.  And there’s always http://www.meetup.com to help you find other people interested in anything from dogs, to art, to board games, to gardening to baseball to….

All day long

Emerson also said, “You are what you think about all day long.”  We may not be able to control some important aspects of our life, but we can choose what we think about and what we do with ourselves.  We can make the most of who we are and what our daily experience includes.  The more we fill our lives with “want to’s” instead of just “have to’s” and the more we explore our own interests, the more complete we will feel as individuals, no matter what is happening in the realm of that which we cannot control.

Happiness is not something that happens to us, it’s something we create when we make the most of our ourselves.

Published in: on May 19, 2011 at 1:22 pm  Comments (4)  
Tags: , , , , ,

What do I want to be when I grow up?

When I was little, it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t know what to do with my life.  When I was in kindergarten, I wrote in my “autobiography” that I would be a lawyer (and then drew a picture of a judge).  I also thought of becoming a primatologist in Africa or an international lawyer protecting endangered species (these were all career choices made by my pre-10-yr-old self).

In my college essays, I told admissions officers that I would personally help make the United Nations into an effective inter-governmental body (refer back to previous post on “ego”).  I entered Cornell as an international relations major, but soon was forced to accept my complete inability to speak foreign languages.  Switching to government and history, I planned to go work on The Hill in Washington DC.  The summer after sophomore year, I interned for the Last Lion (Senator Edward Kennedy) and the writer James Fallows, then, the following fall, for Micheal Martin (currently leader of the Irish political party, Fianna Fail).  By the end of senior year, I was sure I wanted to write about politics.

After I graduated, I briefly worked at US News and World Report, but life intervened, and I left the job prematurely.   I next tried education (too bureaucratic), campaigning (loved it, but hard to make a living), Wall Street sales (I couldn’t sell water in the desert), corporate communications (too constraining) and novel writing (loved it, but again, hard to make a living).

So, here I am… I’m 35.  And I STILL don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

Are you your job?

Many people define themselves by their profession: “I’m a _____” (fill in lawyer, doctor, engineer, programmer, artist, writer, analyst, manager, salesman, etc., etc.).  I don’t know what to say about myself.  Am I a writer?  Yes, it’s what I do… but, it isn’t, really, “my job.”

There is more to life than our job, but it usually says a lot about who we are.  The lucky among us are passionate about what they do.  They never “have” to go to “work.”  They choose to do what they love.  This is ideal.  But for others, their job is just a way to pay the bills.  Nothing wrong with that… unless you want something more.

My sister once sent me a quote by the philosopher Howard Thurman, who said, ““Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”  The challenge, though, can be figuring out what makes us come alive!

What happens when you find your passion, but it doesn’t find you?

As I wrote the other day, among my favorite quotes is this, from Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist:

Before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. That’s the point at which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.’

I’ve felt this way about my book.  Is it my dream?  Will it ever be realized?  Is the fact that I haven’t yet had it published a test, or is it an indication that I ought to be doing something else with my life.  In truth, I don’t know.  Except, there’s that quiet voice deep in my being that says I should still believe in it.  There’s nothing to do but keep trying…

So what do you do when you feel unfulfilled in some aspect of your life?

1) Ask questions.  Gay Hendricks, a former professor at Stanford and the author of two books I really liked, 5 Wishes and The Great Leap, suggests thinking about the end of our lives and asking ourselves what we would wish we could say about how we lived and what we’d done.  It’s a helpful way to hone in one what’s really important and interesting to us.

2) Accept the present.  Spiritual leaders often say that one way to be peaceful and content is to accept life the way it is in any given moment.  In whatever one does, there are lessons to be learned… even if a situation is stressful or boring or disappointing.   The key is to accept whatever comes our way.  Learn from the past, plan for the future, but live in the moment.

3) “Don’t give up.  Don’t ever give up.”  Jim Valvano, the courageous basketball coach of North Carolina State University said these inspiring words before he succumbed to cancer.  He also said, “be a dreamer.”  To fulfil our own potential, we have to dream and dream big.  Once we’ve defined what we want, we can’t give up.  That’s the only way one can ever truly fail.

Long Days Journey Into Night

There are always going to be good days and bad.  There are always going to be times that try our mettle.  But if we know where we want to go and what we want to accomplish (whether it’s in a career, a hobby or with our family), then it’s easier to navigate those challenging moments.

I definitely do not have the answers yet.  I’m searching for them.  If anyone out there thoughts on “coming alive,” please leave comments or send me a message!

Published in: on April 1, 2011 at 4:42 pm  Comments (6)  
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

…ergo, Ego.

It is only in the past year or so that I realize to what extent the human ego can interfere with one’s life.  The ego can confuse and contort… it can lead one astray.  It can keep one’s true desires just out of reach.

What is the ego?  Depends on who you ask.  I asked Wikipedia and the answers ranged from “I,” meaning oneself, to “self” to “one of the three parts of the psychic apparatus defined in Sigmund Freud’s structural model of the psyche.”  This last we’ll be leaving aside.

My personal understanding is that it is the part of our internal dialogue concerned with how we relate to the outer world.  The ego worries about what others think of our status, wealth, appearance, etc.

Interestingly, the ego can mimic truly admirable qualities.  For its own selfish reasons, it can make us do selfless, wonderful and brave things.  Wanting to impress others, the ego can drive us to perform better, donate more, take on a great risk or help someone else.  But the ego is like the hawk moth caterpillar mimicking a snake – it may look the same and act the same, but it is a very different beast.

How can you tell the difference?  The ego doesn’t bother doing anything anonymously.   When we are driven by our egos, the reward is not in a job well done, or an experience we can appreciate, but in the rapturous response we receive from others.  The praise or the respect we are given.

This is not to say that we shouldn’t enjoy praise or respect from others – of course, everyone does!  It’s perfectly natural to enjoy sharing our accomplishments and experiences.  That’s a huge part of life (and where would Facebook be without it?).  The distinguishing factor, I believe, is in the motivation for our actions.

One of my battles with ego

I have only recently discovered my own egoic issues as they relate to the novel I’ve written.  There was a time in my life when I wanted desperately to publish it in order to define myself… to show people I am clever and successful.  To be fair to myself, that’s not why I wrote the book.  I never said to myself, “I want to be seen as an author so I think I’ll write a book.”  But once it was done, I think my ego took over a bit.  I wanted to be published because I wanted to be able to say I was published.

My relationship with my book has been battered and bruised over the past ten years.  I have had hopes high and hopes dashed.  I’ve been brought to the brink of success, only to have the rug pulled out from under me.  I’ve been ignored so often I’ve felt like a ghost roaming the world, unseen and unheard.  I’ve been told “no” in every way possible, from polite and encouraging to brusque and dismissive.

But still, I love my book.

In the last month or two, I’ve come to realize that last sentence is true.  I now know that my understanding of myself is not affected by the publication of that manuscript.  It will not determine whether I am a success or failure.  Whatever success is attached to that book was achieved on the day I wrote, “The End.”

I believe in my book and believe, one day, it will be published.  But my happiness is no longer dependent on it.  I feel more at peace with myself than I have since I first started writing it.

Greatness and the ego

Enlightenment must include a conquering of the ego.  Jesus, Buddha, Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, Mother Theresa – these world-changing leaders led by example.  They lived their lives in accordance with the truth in their hearts, not with expectation of being watched.  Their words and actions were kind, inspiring, honest and humble.  They sought not fame or fortune, but a better world.

I’m always skeptical when someone tells me they have all the answers or imply that they are enlightened.  Those who truly are, don’t need to say it.  The great just are.  They show their worth… they don’t need outside validation.

The most enlightened among us seem to care little for wealth and fame.  And the truly great among us (the most talented athletes, artists, business leaders, entrepreneurs, philanthropists, scientists, etc) might have creature comforts as a by-product of their talent, but they are not driven by them.  They are driven by their purpose and their talent, not their ego.

I suspect that wanting to achieve something in order to become rich and famous (or some other ego-driven goal) will almost always end in failure.  One must be motivated by creativity, passion and determination to achieve the thing itself.

Ego in our lives

Ego can make us stay in a well-paying job long after our interest in that job has waned.  It can make us take on debt to have a nicer house or better car.  It can make us fear the unknown… fear failure.  It can make us think we have already arrived just because we have certain things ticked off a list, even if we still find ourselves feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled.  Ego, in short, can keep us from becoming who we are meant to be.

Happiness depends, I think, on identifying the areas of our life that are influenced by ego (our jobs, our homes, etc.) and asking ourselves honestly what it is we truly want from life.

When we can devote ourselves to something in life for which we feel passion (our family, a job, a hobby, anything at all), without regard for how it is viewed by anyone else and without fear of how we will be judged, we can find that which is great in each of us.

The more we live in accordance with our greatness, the happier we can be… the happier we are, the better world we’ll create.

Published in: on March 31, 2011 at 4:41 pm  Comments (4)  
Tags: , , , , , , , ,